The Expresses "Pull Out of Europe" Crusade is Just Like that Bit in Braveheart, But Quite a Bit Shitter.

The Daily Expresses petition to Downing Street about pulling out of Europe has taken a distinctly "you will not take our freedom" sort of slant, but considerably more shitter than Braveheart was. They had Mel Gibson and a huge army pretending it was the olden days, standing in a field. The Express had to make do with a load of gaudy bin bags full of petitions and a self conscious looking man pretending to be St George and holding a shield made out of cardboard (and I bet this was what he went into media for.). Hollywood this aint! To be fair though they recruited a small army though. They may not have had woad smeared over their faces, or dirty hair and mucky beards (though they should have done this in fancy dress, it would have been well funny.), and an Irish guy with pluck. No all we got was a few dowdy looking Eurosceptic MP's, an Express columnist who was probably there on pain of sacking, and one of the readers who had obviously been paid to turn up and offered a free pub tea into the bargain for showing up.

So far so shit. Why do I even comment on this ridiculous PR stunt? Well it is the wording of the article that tickled me. The Express bigged up the whole thing with this ludicrous comment that shows they haven't quite figured out how this democracy thing works.

"DAVID Cameron was yesterday given the clearest message yet that the UK should leave the European Union."

Hell, we aren't going the way of Egypt are we?

"Editor Peter Hill led a delegation to hand over the bulging sacks of petition coupons signed by 373,000 of our loyal readers."

Er. No. Cancel the threatening flybys of the capital.

373,000. Fucking hell I mean a skateboarding cat on youtube can get more hits than that! I actually checked to see what sort of thing could get 373,000 people to be vaguely interested in something, by getting a comparative viewing figure on youtube, and a video called "I'm Nicki Minaj!! Ask Shane #26" actually topped that by a few thousand. (It's well over 400,000 at the time of writing.) Yes a spoof video of a Noel Gallagher lookalike wearing a Lady Gaga wig, and dancing to a comedy rendition to the tune of "Video Killed the Radio Star" with some camp Jango Fetts as backing dancers (honest) drummed up more interest than a political campaign by a piss poor national newspaper. Why doesn't Richard Desmond ask Shane to do a comedy video of himself dressed up as Gwen Stefani, accompanied by some Hobbits, who take it in turns to shit on a large pretend Euro, whilst dancing to backing music of Hazee Fantasees "John Wayne is Big Leggy" that has had the lyrics changed to "Fuck you, Hermann Van Rumphoy" It could work.

I mean seriously for a national paper crusade, 373,000 signatories for a petition is pathetic. the Express has a daily circulation of around 640,000. That's just circulation. It is reckoned total readership is roughly 2.5 people per single paper. So about 1.6 million perhaps saw this crusade. There were apparently four petition cut outs per paper, so it isn't a case of to few slips to go round. Hell one person could potentially post all four to have four fake signatories. How the hell is this a clear message to David Cameron that we should cut our losses and leave the EU? On the basis of a petition signed by 0.74 percent of the UK population aged over 18. That's the level of popular support the Monster Raving Loony party had for it's policy to paint grey squirrels red to balance the numbers out a bit! Not a monster blow to the establishment that the Express editorials are claiming was it?

I had to laugh at this comment by a Downing Street spokesmen:

"A Downing Street spokeswoman said: “We will respond in the usual way.”

Which translates to "We'll wait till you've gone home and then we'll burn the bloody lot of them."

Michael McIntyre is Overrated

I'd never seen any of Michael McIntyres stand up routines before the end of last week. I knew about him of course;- his meteoric rise to success in the last few years. Endless coverage on "Live at the Apollo", well perhaps not as much now. But perhaps most intriguing of all was his controversial status amongst other stand ups, from Frankie Boyle, to Vic and Bob, to Stewart Lee. Was it sour grapes on their behalf? Were they justified in saying that his act was bland and always playing it safe? Or was McIntyre a true popular comedy talent who was the victim of sneering snobbery? (nb, I don't think any of the detractors I have named are comedy snobs. Lee is perhaps my favourite stand up of all. I too follow the values of the Carphone Warehouse.) Well I watched some of his "Apollo" stuff, and his tour thingy, and he .. just .. isn't funny. I couldn't laugh at any of it. His line about a sin bin sounding like a Catholic skip was about his funniest, and that wasn't even funny really.

Now I'm not a comedy snob. I approached with an open mind. I saw how popular he seems to be with the comments he has. I got bollocked on facebook for saying he wasn't any good. But I just don't get why this guy is so popular. At first I thought is it the "Live at the Apollo" itself. LATA guarantees a friendly audience. Some of the best and most electric stand up can come from a comedian who is under pain of things going badly from the audience, they have to play to win, and even up their game. But his other tour was the same kind of stuff. His observation comedy is just that, observing and responding to everyday stuff, and being all jolly and skippy and jumpy about it. But apart from cheery observations about how the Scots name eggs and tape and stuff after them, or how everyone never judges where tube train doors will stop when preparing to board, where is the depth to his stuff. It aint there.

I know observation comedy is considered "lazy" comedy in some circles. I don't agree. Observational comedy can be more prone to being lazy comedy, but when it is done with a bit of panache, and if the comedian can run with the observation and dissect it to really get under the skin of why it is funny, you have the stuff of classics. Peter Kay may have flaws as a comedian, but he is good at highlighting the hilarious nature of a lot of Lancashire idioms (years of being boxed in from civilisation by the Pennines and Peak District!) and tells it with a genuinely witty verve. Some of his stuff looks pretty shit on paper, but he pulls it off with great flair and humour to make it rise above the script. McIntyres observations seem to be designed just to be taken entirely at face value. The sort of "have you ever noticed" stuff of crappy comedy. There is no depth to his stuff at all, no real analysis of why the observations are funny and in many cases the observations don't really seem to even hold true.

It seems to have worked though, people like this stuff. A bunch of face value stuff designed to get easy laughs (like Little Britain.) It may even be something else. I am completely in the dark as to how he became so successful.

I Don't Get Glastonbury

I consider myself a modern progressive sort of guy. Musically I don't want to return to the days of "How much is that doggy in the window". I like music, and I'm eclectic about it too. But I just don't get Glastonbury at all. Not one bit of it, and its continuing popularity. I can just about see the appeal 40 years ago when the whole thing started. A bunch of the more eclectic music bands take up a Somerset farmers offer to use his field as a rock venue in the dying weekend of June. Keep a bit of the 60's alive into the next decade. Perhaps re-create a spirit of Woodstock festival in the green and Gentile interior of rural England, reputedly where Jesus stood in ancient times. (so some historians reckon.) But like many things it seems to have dissipated it's original cause in the face of growing popularity (the numbers attending continue to grow.) and public recognition. I just can't fathom what is about today? Apart from bands plugging themselves, and an opportunity for 47 year old Guardian lifestyle correspondents to look hip by association, when they write about how they rubbed shoulders (and spliffs) with Pete Doherty in a puddle of mud. Or if it has some greater meaning than just a well known concert in a muddy field. It doesn't seem to cater to any particular musical taste. It seems like anyone who's famous in music and who wants to show up with their band is free to do so. I certainly don't think I'll be showing up there any time soon.

I have nothing against the festival and the people who go there. Good for them. But Glasto would only end up depressing me. I nearly got roped into going about 6 years ago, but it all fell apart for one reason or another. (a clash with a holiday I recall.) And the only thing I felt was relief. I just knew in the back of my mind, that if I had gone; it would just be four of the most depressing days of my life. Firstly it involves camping. Camping is horrible and stupid. I've only done it twice, both in the Air Cadets, and I hated everything about the whole fucking experience. From setting up a tent (It'd have been easier setting up a new nation in that Yorkshire field, from what I remember), to feeling cold and depressed. To that constant smell of rain and soil. I remember thinking that I'd missed watching "Wings of the Apache" in the comfort of my own home for this! Camping was utter crud. How anyone can call sitting in a bit of cloth, in a soggy field - fun, I'll never know. It was the antithesis of fun. Everything about it is designed to drive even someone with the emotional robustness of Mr. Spock off Star Trek, into a primeval state of rage and teary angst. It was awful. Don't talk to me about getting back to nature. Why did our ancestors spend thousands of years getting out of it in the first place?? Exactly. And to top it off, if the camps flood at Glasto, and everyone gets caked in mud and dirty water, and other waste (work it out.) That's supposed to be even better. Brilliant! That is called a humanitarian crisis, and a gateway to a medical crisis, in anywhere else in the world. Not called fun. Glastonbury is basically a displaced persons camp, with better music to bolster spirits, and populated by non conformists and trendies. It is a recreation of the sort of refugee camp that would spring up if lots of Daily Mail readers created an army, conquered most of England (except Somerset obviously) and sent all the undesirables into exile in a field.

Secondly it is commercialised these days. I'm not saying that's 100% bad (it was pretty much inevitable). But it means queues and high costs. I'd imagine 70 percent of Glasto involves queuing. 56 hours for a cold overpriced burger and a warm overpriced drink at a food tent. 230 hours to cross the camp to see an act performing. 567 hours to get in the entry and pitch a tent. 7 weeks to get out again. And several years in a tailback on the M5 all the way to Weston Supermare, getting home again. That doesn't sound too great. I know it is an inevitable consequence of popularity, but the commercialism of the event would also gnaw away at me. However much it might want to deny it, Glasto is as commercial these days as a Tesco Express in Macclesfield. I know they have all those spiritual tents these days, but Waterstones has spiritual books, so there. This would jar more at Glasto, than say somewhere like Disneyworld. I don't just hate everything commercial. I liked the latter for a start. But the latter doesn't really disguise it's links in the way Glasto would like to so I suppose that would make it more of a "betrayal" if that is the right word.

I might be sad, but I feel more at home watching a band in a pub, than I would at an open air concert. Better booze, more comfy. They have a wonderful invention called the roof, which keeps out the rain. And there isn't quite the same risk of catching dysentery from gallons of contaminated mud. Perfect.

Stop the Traffic. Leave the kids behind! Liz Jones has got a new blog!

Ditzy former fashion editor Liz Jones has gone and set up a brand new blog . Liz is kind of the modern equivalent of what you would get if you stuck Marie Antoinette in front of a word processor and gave her a column in a popular Sunday newspaper. She'd not so much be a "Let them eat cake" sort of gal, but more a "Let them eat cake, preferably an ASDA smart price cake for 18p from the bargain basket, as I don't want to give the unwashed ideas. Oh and tell em to eat it down wind and 2 continents away from me, as they may spray crumbs on my carpet, and my spiritually cleansed cat, the smell poor fuckers." Reading some of her stuff, you begin to think no-one can possibly be that self absorbed and gormless for God sake! She has to be a piss take, a genius satirist deliberately planted into the fashion business, to expose from within;- the pointless and bitchy vacuousness and the one long and subtle, shared practical joke on all the rest of us that is the industry. What other explanation is there?

Or maybe she isn't and really is like that in real life?

Now from the "dispatches from the fashion front line" header, I may not be able to dig up as many gems as I might want, if all she talks about are stupid bits of overpriced shite draped on a girl who'd be advised not to walk across a cattle grid. I know nothing about fashion, and have no intention of taking the time to learn. I think we would all be better off wearing old sacking, and shoes made of straw. Fashion is rubbish, and a burks running race.

However, piss take or genuine. (I'm still a bit unconvinced we see the real Liz in some of her more "eccentric" articles.) If she stays true to form, we may get a few bits of comedy gold from the blog. I mean if we get stuff half as good as getting her letterbox shot at for saying her rural neighbours have bad teeth and smell of cow poo. Should she ditch her hens shrink (no really.) to save a few bob. How she was relieved her mum got Alzheimer's as she would not blurt out her age (not actually funny, you understand. But a WTF moment.), and the delights of hiring a pet psychic to contact her dead cat. ("Why are my horses always biting me?" Liz asks. "Cause they think you are a horse!" the psychic replies. Absolute genius!) As Richard Littlejohn says. You can't make it up!