A Few Cracks I Noticed in "Reality Show" X-Factor

X - Factor likes to claim that it is pure reality TV. That everything you; the viewer were shown on telly, is 100 percent, what really happened. This is complete bullshit, if anyone who knows even a little about how telly works -could tell you. There is very little that gets transmitted and very few acts shown on the show, that weren't highly choreographed beforehand. The "arguments" between judges. Those change of hearts. The sob stories of the "good" singers. These are not arbitrary snippets of human drama captured on film. (though the sad back stories of contestants are true.) But are scripted and pre planned to produce a coherent and dramatic narrative throughout the series. Virtually nothing you see on Saturday tea time is "reality TV". There are obvious logical problems that bely the producers claims that the show is authentic reality TV, if we think about them. How can the judges possibly devote enough time to see all 200,000 wannabees?* (how many applied in 2009.) Assuming they put in 10 hours a day, every day - to see them all. That would be 120 a day, or about four and a half years to see everyone. (it would take them just a squeak under 2 years, if that was all they did, non stop for 24 hours a day; until everyone had been auditioned.) If anyone can supposedly show up, why do you have to submit an application form? Why is the show not broadcast in real time, live, if it is a genuine slice of reality pie? These can't be got around, and the producers hope they won't be spotted (if anyone assumes the show is really as authentic to start with.). However, these don't really concern me. They are metaphysically impossible to avoid. But, sometimes if you watch carefully (or are just a loser like me, who has nothing else better to do than nitpick a popular TV show.), sometimes little bits of "evidence", get past the editors that all is not quite as "real" as the producers claim. I noticed a few this week. And perhaps some more might get broadcast. I'll keep an eye out whilst it is on and see what I can find. So here are two of last Saturdays "cracks" that unintentionally gave the game away.

The "Temple Fire" band. That monumentally shit boyband, that killed Whams "Wake Me Up Before you Go go." with those actions that are now seared on my visual cortex for all time, and will never leave ever. Yeah, Temple Fire lamented to whatsisface who presents it, that the reason they bombed (guys, you can't sing for a start.) was because they were told to sing that instead of what they wanted to sing. You see one of the terms of auditioning on the show, is that you are contractually obliged to sing what they tell you to, if they do so. Now call me cynical, but that could be used by, say -an unscrupulous editing team to set someone up for an embarrassing fall, or to disrupt their act at the eleventh hour, and capture the results on camera. Hmmmm

Mary Byrne, a Dublin Tesco till lady - has received quite a lot of coverage in this years show. She has been called the new "SuBo", a dowdy looking middle aged women who can sing a cover of a song fairly well. The creators of the show, know that for a show that "everyone" can enter and win, that everyone seems to defined as soft focus good looking young people, who could model nightclothes for Kays catalogue, if it went by the majority of contestants who make it to the finals. For a show designed to produce a mass marketed new star.(It is in reality a chance for Cowell to make loads of cash from the phone votes, the revenue from a potential new star is too small and too risky to be the main source of the shows dividends) -that is understandable. But the Su Bo contestant makes the show look more broadly democratic, and has the emotional investment of the trampled on underdog making it big time. They [the producers] love to go nuts with the latter, and that was the source of the second suspicious "crack" that got out. She was asked to describe her life on the tills, and she said that she was always assigned the same till station (no. 14 I think it was.) every shift, all of the time. For anyone who has worked on a till at a supermarket should know this is utter bollocks. They have a number to log on assigned to them But no-one is assigned the same console all the time. You get moved around or asked to relieve other ope raters (for breaks and shift ends etc.), or moved to the front during quieter times. It was put in to highlight the drudgery she faced; locked to her till, and the road to showbiz was her only escape route. I assume everyone else on her department just has to fuck off and sing for their supper presumably? In a nutshell she was told to say that by the editors, to make her job look rubbisher than it is.

Reality TV indeed. I'll keep an eye out for more of these unless, A) I can't really be arsed too. B)

I forget it is on. I'm rubbish at remembering telly schedules. C) I get a life. It might happen!

*I did actually know a guy (he could sing.) who did go to an audition (in 2008 I think.) for the show, and no -he didn't get to see Simon and co, like 90 percent of the other people who go to auditions. Unfortunately for him, decent singers don't make that horrible phrase; - "good telly"

Knighted for Laughing at Mingers

Apparently pop musics "Mr Nasty" Simon Cowell is possibly going to be knighted, on the recommendation of Gordon Brown for his actions in the Haiti earthquake. (the charity music song) Cowell engenders mixed emotions in me. He is undoubtedly very good at what he does. His unpretensiousness and lack of evasiveness in his self evident desire to make populist, audience grabbing shows like X factor and Britain's got Talent with the express intent of making himself rich is refreshing (but not particularly admirable.) in a populist; prepackaged and mass marketed music business that is loaded with a lot of pretentious bullshit about "being deep", and "wanting to share my dreams and visions" (AKA sell lots of tunes and get rich and famous.) It could be argued that his shows allow everyday people (if you define everyday people as soft focus; good looking under 25's. Susan Boyle and the fat guy the few exceptions to the rule.) to crack a market they would not be able to reach normally. His shows could also be seen as a (unintentional) way of propping up the dwindling traditional recording labels in a world of youtubes and Internet downloads. But there is the flip side as well. It was not too much of an exaggeration to say NME were justified in labelling him the "Antichrist of pop." In the earlier days of the millennium at least, it was grating to see promising indy acts struggling on a shoestring, in a market being saturated by mas produced; bubblegum music. As Ben Elton coined it - "McDonalds for the soul." Cowells base desire to flood the music market with plastic and insipid tunes (I hope I don't sound snobby. I'm not saying this kind of stuff has no place. It just seems to push out others who want to break into the market. Cowell himself admits as much.) It was hard not to wince at one of musics most richest men proclaim he "hates music". Not entirely because of his blatantly earnest chutzpah, - but at him exemplifying the rule of knowing the price of everything, but the value of nothing.

We can't get away from the underlying mockery for entertainment, and the exploitative nature of his shows. For every stranger plucked from obscurity to fame, there are several more victims of the fame game. It is no exaggeration to say that without the acts put on to be laughed at and mocked, the show would lose much of its appeal. With the benefit of selective editing; - and the opportunities for compounding humiliation this entails, for many "comedy entrants" the apparent "anyone can make it" nature of the show just leads to them making it to a highlight show of the worst acts. Its hard to remember car crash telly, like their real life counterparts often have human victims as well.

If the knighthood goes ahead I don't know what Cowell will be knighted for? Services to the meritocracy of fame. Or knighted for services to laughing at minging people who can't sing.