The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

I had decided to myself to not really comment on the whole Sky football sacking thing. I don't know a lot about football and it wasn't really an incident I knew all that much about. However there have been a series of correspondents to the incident who have followed one familiar theme. That football is a mans game, and that a bit of sexist banter (though telling a female colleague to shove a microphone into your pants seems like stepping over the line a bit.) is just something that women should have to put up with. This is a pet hate of mine. It seems that a certain generation of some men (and it is usually men) have the opinion that casual racism and sexism is both trivial and indeed rather daring. Some of those with this world view have sent letters into the Bolton News (my local paper), one from my old friend Arnold Harrison, the stupidest man in Lancashire, and this offering of verbal crud from Colin Higson of Over Hulton.

ONCE again Steve Jones[1], leading exponent of the PC brigade and all things thereto, twists the facts to suit his argument.

First he says Gray and Keys are entitled to their own views (that itself is an astounding admission for one of his ilk).

Then he goes on to say they should keep their views to themselves (he could take a bit of his own advice and stop lecturing the rest of us with his drivel). If he had taken the trouble to obtain the facts he would have known that they were doing exactly that. It was some other PC maniac that decided on his or her own bat to broadcast a private conversation (nice people, these PC nuts).

If Mr Jones (I apologise if it is wrong or sexist to call him Mr) has ever attended a football match he would know that spectators male and female accuse match officials of not knowing the laws of the game, being blind (sorry visually handicapped ) and having all sorts of afflictions.

He should have heard the woman near me berating the referee’s assistant at the Reebok this week.

Was that sexist? No. She was just doing what all football fans including Gray and Keys do all the time and if by some unfortunate circumstance we are to have female officials forced upon us they will get it, make no mistake, every match as their male colleagues do.

If Mr Jones doesn’t like it he should take up his bed and walk to the top of Rivington Pike away from his keyboard never to regale us with his boring comments ever again.

Colin Higson Over Hulton

This is precisely the kind of mentality that get on my royal tits. Notwithstanding that asking is calling someone "Mr" unPC the stupidest rhetorical question in the history of the universe. No it is that this, and the comments lie it is just blatant apologism for sexist bullying. So I e-mailed this response to the letters page, trying to articulate as best as I can my distaste for this kind of attitude. Hopefully they may actually print it as well.

There have been some worrying letters on this page (Colin Higson “All football supporters have a rant” Feb 5th 2011) and others, as well as in general discussions about the nature of Sky football pundit Andy Grays sacking and Richard Keys resignation in regards to the whole off air furore about their comments about referee Sian Massey. It seems that some people seem to think that blatant sexism is just “something women should put up with.” Because as Colin Higson et al can tell us, just because something like arbitrary discrimination on the basis of someone’s gender is one of this biggest insults to female dignity and liberty going – doesn’t necessarily mean that it is a bad thing[2].

Let us summarise what happened, and why Gray and Keys left. Gray and Keys dismissed the competency of a referee of who they knew nothing about, almost purely on the basis of the XX composition of her chromosomes. How, may I ask; is that any more morally justifiable than when I overheard a guy I once worked with; who upon seeing the new manageress (she was a black lady) sneered “they’ll promote anyone these days.”[3] That comment and this incident highlight why racism and sexism are such moral evils. Writing off the collective worth of a whole subset of humanity on nothing more than them being “the wrong sort.”

Prejudiced comments in (supposed) privacy may be one thing. But school bully boy Grays compounded the sin by making lewd comments about placing a microphone to a female colleague, whilst his trusty little sidekick Keys cackled along like the snivelling little toady he is. Anyone who made these comments would have been disciplined by their boss in any workplace in the UK.

I am sick and tired of chauvinistic bigots dismissing their abuse as a “bit of friendly banter”. Spineless bullies who victimise easy targets always “justify” it in this way.

So let us not say these two buffoons are martyrs to the PC brigade, because they aren’t.

[1] Steve Jones isn't me by the way, and his letter was very good and well argued IMHO.

[2] Yes I blatantly nicked that pun from Ben Goldacres "Bad Science" book.

[3] I have to confess that this never actually happened in the way I said it did. It is a retelling of a quip Tory MP and twat David Heathcote Amery reputedly exclaimed when he saw the black MP Dawn Butler in the members gallery at Westminster. I changed the details as there is a tiny chance that the letters editor might have got cold feet about printing something potentially seen as libelous. But the sentiment of my argument still stands.

There is No "War On Motorists" But there Should Be.

Both Eric Pickles and Philip Hammond seem to think that there is something called the "War on motorists", and have vowed to end this so called war. Well let me just explain something.

THERE IS NO WAR ON MOTORISTS TO STOP!

I hear this phrase from Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond, just about every right wing columnist who's ever existed, people who write angry letters to newspapers about being (gasp) fined for parking somewhere they shouldn't. People who moan at speed cameras slowing people down (isn't speeding actually dangerous and all that "hit me at 30 I live, 40 I die! stuff btw??) and so on and so on. So bloody what if you get fined for speeding - tough titty it's illegal you moron. Got booked on double yellows? Schoolkids know you get done for that. Fined for overstaying on a meter zone, buy a watch then!

Why is this such a "pissed off" posting? My particular beef about this kind of thing has come about because A) Eric Pickles, the communities secretary has got rid of the last governments limits on town centre parking and higher fees for parking in town centres, because what we obviously need is more cars clogging up our town centres that can barely cope with what they have now. B) Philip Hammond is Transport Secretary and has said that this is a part of stopping the war on motorists (translates to sucking up to petrolheads) and that:

"cars are a lifeline for many people – and that by supporting the next generation of ultra-low emission vehicles, it can enable sustainable green motoring to be a long-term part of Britain’s future transport planning."

Which loosely translates into "Fuck changing our car dependency, that's way too much bother on our part. What will Jeremy Clarkson say about that? I'll just make up some stuff about future cars that run on antimatter, and pass the buck for some other guy to pick up down the line."

Let me say off the bat, that I do drive, and there is no doubt the car is on some level a useful tool. In an ideal world we could use them to our hearts content and they would benefit our lives. Say they ran on air, and could turn into a briefcase you could carry around when you didn't need them (a la the Jetsons) so no need for stuff like parking spaces then. Unfortunately they don't work like that, and we don't live in a Hanna Barbera cartoon. Our dependency on the car is a serious problem and it needs tackling. But no one has the balls to do anything about it, and that is a problem when the guy tasked with handling this stuff is bullshitting his way out of facing up to the terrible problems the car addiction is stacking up. I saw this was likely to be the way we were headed (in a traffic jam probably) when the rather clever M4 bus lane was said to be facing the chop, the motorway equivalent of having Scrappy Doo shot dead in an episode of the Scooby Doo cartoon. Then the speed cameras in Oxfordshire are to be deactivated to save cash (thought they were there to fleece motorists?) This has confirmed my worst fears.

Our obsession about private car use is a lot like being addicted to crack. It may make us feel better in the short term, it gives people a buzz and our high with their new machines, and we all go crazy if someone tries to get a grip on our addiction. Like crack these small pleasures are eclipsed by so many pitfalls. Yes, crack may feel nice for a while, but you do realise you have to steal from grannies to get cash: you have pock marked skin and about four teeth left at 25, you stink and look awful and all this is a result of wanting that high. Likewise cars clogg up our streets and town centres, and then the bypasses, then the bypasses of the bypass that had to bypassed. They are smelly and expensive to run. They kill about 71 people per day (UK), and maim many others for life. They poison our air. They require roads and motorways that scar our landscape, and can bisect communities as that snarling bypass acts like an impenetrable tarmac frontier (the Twyford Down cutting on the M3 was nothing short of environmental vandalism. Bloody dreadful). The petrol they run on helps fund vile regimes like Saudi Arabia, and has caused so much shit in the Middle East. They make us miserable and cause seemingly mild mannered people to explode into ranting swearing lunatics for stuff as simple as someone taking a few seconds longer to park up. They disrupt wildlife and cause carnage to wildlife populations and, oh they fuck the climate up too. Truly a record anyone should be proud of. Some say cars are liberating, they seem to just enslave us as much in my opinion. And yet any attempt to try and fix this addiction results in derision and anger, as does anyone who is addicted but won't admit it when confronted. And this rage makes transport secretaries crumble. But the problems excessive car use cause won't go away. Indeed the 6 billion PFI sum (no really) being spent on the M25 widening project* should be a nice little sum our kids will have to pay back over the long haul.

The problem of excessive car usage is compounded by how it drives ugly libertarian impulses in the more vocal petrolheads that can cascade downwards to other motorists. How the freedom to drive at 46 mph on a suburban main road is now somehow seen as some sign of resistance against the "Big brother state" and not just the actions of a selfish prick with a small penis who is going to kill someone if he's not careful. How traffic wardens** are seriously compared to the Gestapo and have to wear those cameras lest they be punched in the face by a driver too stupid to realise that he doesn't have a sovereign right to park his Audi "sportscar" where he likes. To quote that quintessential darling of the right :-) George Monbiot:

"When you drive, society becomes an obstacle. Pedestrians, bicycles, traffic calming, speed limits, the law: all become a nuisance to be wished away. The more you drive, the more bloody-minded and individualistic you become. The car is slowly turning us, like the Americans and the Australians, into a nation which recognises only the freedom to act, and not the freedom from the consequences of other people’s actions. We drive on the left in Britain, but we are being driven to the right."

One of the less remarked comments of Margaret Thatcher that although seemed quite innocuous, turned out to have great consequences was her crass remark about any man over 26 being a failure if he couldn't drive and used public transport. Some of that mud sticked. We need urgent urgent investment of public transport, and more bums on buses and trains. I can't see how the car focused society is ultimately sustainable. It will be bitter medicine to swallow, people won't like it, but I don't see how it is avoidable if we want to avoid serious problems in the future. War on the motorist. If only.

* I'm astounded this doesn't seem to generate a great deal of controversy. The Variable Speed Limit signs they put up seem to arouse more pique. (the Nanny State is slowing us down.) Do these VSL signs (used to regulate a steadier traffic flow discipline) also hint that widening may still not be enough?

** The issues around private clamping, or wardens being paid on commission to book people are separate arguments, and IMHO are both better done by the public sector for the simple purpose of up keeping traffic parking regulations and not to make cash. Cutting the dependency of car use will be a painful process and the public need to be won over (a bit). Stuff like this just antagonises everyone and is dodgy anyway.

Turn the Grinchometer Up to 11. I'm Pretty Glad Ivan Got the Beautiful Game.

I really am a kind of the Grinch of sport. I loathe it, I hate it, I want to kick it's athletic face in. I won't humour it, or lamely try (and fail) to get in the sporting spirit with stuff like the world cup. I want to pop all the footballs, burn the cricket bats, single handedly vomit the entire worlds supply of the sporty energy drinks into a big hole that leads directly to the very bowels of the Earth itself. Sport; and footy in particular is rubbish, and that's all there is too it! I am so averse to the cult of football, that I may actually end up living in a hermits cave on a hill, where those children who wear football kits at the beginning of matches will point and sing mocking songs about the miserable and weird creature who resides there every at every World Cup event with only his despair at the whole vacuous awfulness of footy mania as his only companion. So with that cheery assessment out of the way, it is not entirely unsurprising that I'm not beating my own bare back with a big heavy chain in some archaic grief ritual at the news of Russia winning the bid to host the 2018 World Cup.

Nothing hammered home to me the extent to which footymania had established it's iron foothold on the heart of the nation was when I took a walk around my neighbourhood on the day of the game that England were ejected from this years World Cup. I was quite literally the only person on the streets when that match was broadcast. This was a glorious summer Sunday afternoon, not a cloud in the sky and there was just me. It was then I realised just how much on the periphery of British society militant footy loathers like myself are during this event. Most non footy fans seem to make their deal with the soccer devil, or at least pay lip service to the event. I might like to think I was flouting convention by sticking to my anti soccer credentials, but trust me there was no-one paying any notice, the beautiful game takes custodian of most souls in the end. You are truly on your own during the World Cup. It was like being a survivor in 28 days later, but with less death and suburban zombies obviously.

This is just the kind of mania that grips the nation during a World Cup occurring overseas. Imagine one over here? There would literally be no escape. I would be a cornered lamb with a dodgy hind leg trying to evade a pack of growling wolves who hadn't had a square meal for a good while - totally screwed. I would have had to have entombed myself in a concrete bunker, cut off from all outside contact lest I go completely insane from overexposure. So as unpatriotic and mean spirited as it may sound, I am glad Russia is hosting it. They are welcome to have it as far as I am concerned. I know that there is going to be some major league corruption and backhanders going on behind the scenes whilst all this is going on. I also know that if the stadia aren't finished on time, the foreman won't just get a hostile Sun article as he may here, but will likely have a nuclear submarine sent round to his house as incentive to tighten the pace of construction a bit. But you know, there we are, it's a cruel world. That may sound like mean sentiment, but what would you expect from the Grinch?

I Hate Bloody Snow

A few people on Facebook et al have been quite pleased that we have had these recent snow falls, and to cut a long and not particularly interesting story short - I'm not one of them. Snow may provide an appropriate background feature to a Quality Street tin, but in reality it is cold depressing and a bit shit. Bing may have dreamed of a White Christmas, but he can keep them as far as I'm concerned. So in a sort of spin on that idiotic Taxpayers Alliance rant about buses, I too explain in explicit detail why this hydrological spawn of Satan gets on my chilly wick so much.

I hate snow because it is cold, and I don't do cold. I hate snow cause it happens in winter, and I don't do winter either. I hate snow because of the damned inconvenience it causes. I have to spend ages in the freezing cold shoveling a clear path to get my car off the drive, something I can accomplish in 7 seconds in clement weather. I don't want to feel like an inmate of the gulag (there's a reason Stalin sent his enemies there) to perform a simple task. I hate snow because it turns the humble pavement into a constant hazard, always on the knife edge of setting up a pedestrian for a nasty fall. I hate snow because it turns the road into a H2O minefield that can sneak up and remove the drivers control of the car without much warning. I hate snow as it is the nomme de guerre of the man who brought us the preposterous 1993 song "Informer" (the "I lick your bum bum now" song), and no word should yield the power to summon that tune to memory. I hate snow because it gives some people an excuse to say "it's character building" when everything gets buggered up and grinds to a halt, it's not character building, it's just fucking annoying. I hate snow because people send in those stupid pictures of bleak snowy vistas in the Peak District to North West Tonight, and Gordon Burns has to pretend to care about them. I hate snow because we have to have a news article on telly with a reporter standing outside a salt depot, and salt depots are boring. I hate snow because snow is ice, and lots of ice is an iceberg, and an iceberg sank the Titanic, so snow is actually evil. I hate snow because it can be turned into snowballs, and snowballs lead to snowball fights and those rock hard compressed snowballs that feel like a small moon has smashed into your face when it makes contact with your reddened ice parched bonce on the school grounds of yesteryear.

So there you go. Jack Frost fuck you, screw you you climate altering made up brother of David Frost.

Jon Snow VS the "Poppy Facists"

Even if you don't always agree with him, Jon Snow deserves some admiration for his commitment and dedication to a high standard of professionalism in what he does, and this includes his commitment not to wear any form of sign or symbol upon himself during public broadcasts which he believes to be unsuitable for someone in his career to do. Quite a lot of people know this who normally wouldn't do so, as this moratorium extends to the remembrance poppies that are pretty much universally worn by anyone who's on telly during this time of year. This perceived intransigence on Snows part has not always gone down too well with some, and has led to accusations that Snow is being disrespectful to the cause the poppies are worn for. In this case it has led to a small clash between a commentator on Snows blog and the man himself issuing a swift rebuke to his accuser. Like many of these spats; the original blog post was not about the thing that caused the spat but was about another topic (why more people in [Snows opinion] don't take up cycling) and got waylaid somewhat. It is also a prime example of the dual standards of logic that that significant minority who claim like free speech and expression, but apparently only if what is said or done meets their approval. So here is commentator Stan:

"jon,when you ride your bike,do you ever think of the hundreds of thousands of british troops who gave there lives in world war 2 tokeep our great country free you alone dishonour them by not wearing a poppy.YOU LOOK WHAT YOU ARE ON YOUR BIKE."

Hmmmm bit of tortured logic there. Snow replies:

"Stan they died that we might be free to wear a Poppy whenever we wish. i wish to wear mine on Remembrance Sunday. When you wish to wear yours is your business. Compelling people to wear poppies because YOU think they OUGHT to is precisely the Poppy fascism, or intolerance, that I have complained of in the past. On yer bike Stan, with or without a poppy, it’s all your own free choice..Hitler lost the war!"

The whole John Snow won't wear a poppy thing is a storm in a teacup, but it does highlight how occasions like remembrance Sunday, and something like the aftermath of the death of Princess Diana can take a wrong turn. Remembrance day and the wearing of the poppy are supposed to be a poignant reminder of the enormous human cost of war. Diana's death was indeed a genuine human tragedy, a young mother of two young boys who was hounded to death by bullying photographers. But in both cases (especially the latter) there was a feeling that a lot of the "grief" or "showing our respects" had a distinctly demonstrative feel. There was little of the feeling that this was a measured reaction to a tragedy, but just an excuse to mawkishly ham it up by showing how much you care and are "patriotic" by crying the loudest at the cameras, or by excessive use of the caps lock on the comments pages. And that I'm afraid is a hell of a lot more disrespectful to the memory of a cause than Jon Snow not wearing a poppy.

Arnie. Prepare to be Terminated!

As I said in my previous post. I am currently unemployed at the moment. Another victim of staffing spending cuts during the economic downturn. It's pretty tough, and there is a lot of competition for jobs at the moment. There is simultaneously an up swelling in stories about "cushy benefits anecdotes." and that life on the dole is too rewarding to find real work. There is also talk of encouraging people to find work, which is all good and fine, IF THERE WERE LOADS OF BLOODY JOBS GOING! THERE ISN'T. THAT'S THE GODDAMN REASON PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF ARE OUT OF WORK!! There seems to be a bunch of people who think that everyone on the dole wants to be there. They do not seem capable of distinguishing the majority of people who are out of work due to plain bad luck, than the minority who do fiddle the system. People like Arnold Harrison who contributed this masterpiece of joined up thinking to the Bolton News:

"TO Mr Brian Derbyshire. I have followed your contributions for many years, not always agreeing, but in this case on reading your comments about Mr Stuart Chapman, I totally agree with him.

Many of the present younger generation do not want to work and have no intention of doing so In many cases it being no fault of their own but the system. The lack of quality education, the lack of incentives and deterrents. Why rise early in the morning to start work at 7.30am in a mundane job with little future prospects when I can stay in bed, draw my weekly benefits and with a little wheeling and dealing get by very nicely, thank you.

Why learn? Why conform? Why work? The pot at the end of the rainbow does exist but only for the very few. The remainder are happy to sit and wait for the finger of fate. In the meantime, life is more than bearable and do not gorge, Mr Derbyshire, our nation has a policy of importing foreign workers to do the jobs we will not do ourselves. It is the system.

Arnold Harrison Little Hulton"

Missing the point a bit. Doing Northernbloke has raddled my brain or something. I have a greater urge to hammer these people around the head (spiritually speaking of course!) with the stupid illogic of their own ramblings, than I used to do. So I sent this response to this idiotic letter that goes as follows.

"One of the strongest indicators of healthy self awareness and a good grasp of the topic at hand is when you can judge whether to dive in and explain a complex social problem, or whether it is best to actually do some research on what you’re talking about beforehand. This way you don’t end up being the opinionated voice of the saloon bar pundit. A nugget of wisdom that seems to have escaped Mr. Arnold Harrison; author of (Why work for a mundane job?) a staggering letter about youth unemployment. Which is ironically, written by someone who knows nothing whatsoever on youth unemployment.

Leaving aside the tiresome and insulting cliché that “today’s youth” are a bunch of lazy oafs (they aren’t). Mr. Harrison appears to think that most unemployed people both want and choose to be unemployed. (They don’t) I’ll let Mr. Harrison into a little secret they don’t. Speaking as an unemployed, not so youthful youth, (31) I don’t appreciate being told by someone who doesn’t know what he’s talking about on this issue that we are in the position we are in because we don’t want to work. And that I’m better off unemployed. (Trust me I’m NOT!) There are too many people out of work, and too few jobs to go round. I was made unemployed by the far reaching hand of the economic slump, not through choice. I have e-mailed and written to as many employers I can think of. If you get a response from one in thirty of them you are doing well. I’ve signed up for voluntary work, but there is a back log (work it out.) I’ve walked around retail estates giving out CV’s. I’ve even somehow managed to haul my lazy youthful backside out of bed at 6 am to do jobs in the past. Mr Harrisons letter really could have done with a bit of research.

I can assure him I have never got up thinking I’m on a winner. I’ve gone from quite a well paid job, to 60 quid a week on the dole (taxes which I paid into in previous jobs, and will pay back in future ones.) I am in a kind of limbo – which only those who unintentionally find themselves out of work can understand, as my life is on hold while I find something new. It’s the strangest kind of cushy existence I’ve ever experienced.

So Mr. Harrison, I suggest you get your facts straight, before sounding off in the paper. We live in hope."

I don't pull to many punches, and it is long(ish) for a newspaper letter, so I don't know how likely it is going to get published. But we'll see. I am so sick of this kind of lazy arsed [non] thinking, swallowing the big lie as generously as an alchie necks slugs of whisky. Two seconds of reflective thinking about what he had written should have told him that you do see lots of under 30's working in every day situations, oh all the bloody time! I literally believe people like Arnold have got their heads so squarely up their backsides, they would believe any limit of stuff so stupid and so self evidently irrational, if it backed up their silly world views. I don't think I could even begin to think up the kind of utter arse these people could potentially fall for, if it rang all the right bells. Even if I stayed in a dark room for 20 whole years. Depressing isn't it?