I Hate Bloody Snow

A few people on Facebook et al have been quite pleased that we have had these recent snow falls, and to cut a long and not particularly interesting story short - I'm not one of them. Snow may provide an appropriate background feature to a Quality Street tin, but in reality it is cold depressing and a bit shit. Bing may have dreamed of a White Christmas, but he can keep them as far as I'm concerned. So in a sort of spin on that idiotic Taxpayers Alliance rant about buses, I too explain in explicit detail why this hydrological spawn of Satan gets on my chilly wick so much.

I hate snow because it is cold, and I don't do cold. I hate snow cause it happens in winter, and I don't do winter either. I hate snow because of the damned inconvenience it causes. I have to spend ages in the freezing cold shoveling a clear path to get my car off the drive, something I can accomplish in 7 seconds in clement weather. I don't want to feel like an inmate of the gulag (there's a reason Stalin sent his enemies there) to perform a simple task. I hate snow because it turns the humble pavement into a constant hazard, always on the knife edge of setting up a pedestrian for a nasty fall. I hate snow because it turns the road into a H2O minefield that can sneak up and remove the drivers control of the car without much warning. I hate snow as it is the nomme de guerre of the man who brought us the preposterous 1993 song "Informer" (the "I lick your bum bum now" song), and no word should yield the power to summon that tune to memory. I hate snow because it gives some people an excuse to say "it's character building" when everything gets buggered up and grinds to a halt, it's not character building, it's just fucking annoying. I hate snow because people send in those stupid pictures of bleak snowy vistas in the Peak District to North West Tonight, and Gordon Burns has to pretend to care about them. I hate snow because we have to have a news article on telly with a reporter standing outside a salt depot, and salt depots are boring. I hate snow because snow is ice, and lots of ice is an iceberg, and an iceberg sank the Titanic, so snow is actually evil. I hate snow because it can be turned into snowballs, and snowballs lead to snowball fights and those rock hard compressed snowballs that feel like a small moon has smashed into your face when it makes contact with your reddened ice parched bonce on the school grounds of yesteryear.

So there you go. Jack Frost fuck you, screw you you climate altering made up brother of David Frost.